Love/Hate

Some people think there is a thin line between love and hate. I diagree completely. It takes way more energy to hate than it does to love. hate comes from a dark place whose resources should never be tapped. Love, on the other hand comes from a place that doesn't get used enough. We refuse to love more than hate. We expend all of our energy on an emotion that does nothing but tear us down and rip our hearts apart. I am no different from anyone. I have hated with all of my heart. My ex husband is a prime example. I cannot stand this man. He constantly belittled me during our marriage and cheated and still attempts to belittle me today. He is mean and angry and full of strife and envy. Those are his demons. I have had times where I have wished he would step into the street infront of on coming traffic. I know that's not right. God forgive me for having those feelings. When I let this man and his evil ways get me to the point to where I am wishing those things, he has won. I don't want hate to win over love. These last few months I have been shown what love is. I didn't realize that up until this point in my life, I had no clue what love was other than love of family and friends. I have been shown a romantic, lust filled and respectable kind of love that includes a friendship as well. I didn't realize that those things could be in the same category for love. A beautiful and wonderful thing happened this week when my boyfriend and I let each other know that we love each other. It really was one of the most precious times in my life. I had known for awhile that I loved him, but I was scared to death to tell him. I was scared that he may not feel the same way and I was scared of rejection. What if me saying that was too much for him at this point and he ran? That's not what happened at all. I poured my heart out to him which is hard to do since I have guarded it so closely, and he cherished my words and my heart and responded with the only thing I needed to hear which was "I love you." What a great feeling. Why would I ever want to feel different than that? Last night my ex sent me a hateful text that caused me to have that feeling of comtempt wash over my heart and once again I started expounding the energy inside of me to hate him. Why? When I know I have something so much better that I can put my energy in to? I have to remember this. When satan tries to push that rage/hate button, I have to remember that God gave me a much bigger and more desirable button to be pushed and that is the love button. As cheesy as that may sound, it is so true. It's something we should all try and remember to do. And it is a choice. I choose to love rather than hate. I choose to pour my energy into something that is positive and constructive and beautiful. And I will pour until my heart is overflowing and that love flows into other parts of my life and other people in my life. I hope it catches on.

Boyz to Men make you crazy.

Men make you crazy.  It doesn't matter what age they are at.  I think God gives them a gene that is strictly for driving the women in their lives crazy.  Either by being total idiots or by being self absorbed.  And I am surrounded with this gene.  Starting with my sons.  They aren't quite men yet, but they still have this horrid gene.  My older son is totally self absorbed.  At 14 I guess that's pretty normal except that I hate it.  If things aren't done in a way to service him I get the eye roll or the lip smacking or a hearty "GAAAHHHH, I hate it here."  Oh good, you hate it here.  In the place where I am busting my ass to try and make things as normal as possible.  In the place where I am overdrawn all the time trying to keep things a float.  In the place where you get to hang out with your friends, play X-box, eat a home made meal and relax.  So glad you don't appreciate any of these things you little shit.   I love this child more than life itself, but damn I just wish I could figure out a way to zap that gene from his body.  My younger child is not quite at the self absorbed stage, but I have never seen a child that is so smart for all of his 12 years on this planet.  I am so glad that he knows more than me and argues with everything I say!  What kind of day would I have if he didn't argue and his brother didn't roll his eyes at me.  When it all happens at the same time I start trying to look for my happy place.  This is what I see- the Red Room of Pain.  haha!  I would just like to kick someones ass at this point and everything I need to do it is in that room!  Then you have the man that donated not only the sperm so that I could have these two boys (who I really do love more than life), but also the gene.  This man was doubled up on this gene because he is both an idiot and self absorbed.  And whatever may come in between those two words.  He is constantly trying to point out my flaws, which I find funny since we are at this stage in our relationship due to his indiscretions.  Not that we wouldn't have eventually gotten here.  He was a controlling, abusive and possessive man with Peter Pan Syndrome.  He hate growing old (yes, don't we all) and refused to accept it. He would enter himself into football tournaments (at the age of 35) and end up hurting himself so badly he would miss work and I would be left trying to take care of him and figure out how to pay the bills w/o losing my mind.  His jealous rants would make absolutely no sense at all.  When MySpace was still a big deal, I had Kidd Kraddick (RIP Kidd) as a friend so I could follow what he talked about, especially with his Kidd's Kids program.  This retarded asshole that I had married (which may mean I am somewhat retarded as well for doing so) thought that meant I knew KK and we were having an affair.  What a fucking moron.  I dealt with this type of stuff for the entire 15 years we were together.  If we saw a guy I may have dated (or he thought I dated-which was everyone-apparently I really got around), he would make snide remarks and not speak to me for several days.  The silence was golden, the emotional toll it took on me was black.  I thank God everyday that I am done with this man.  He continues to try and make my life hell and it would be really easy to fall back into that person that allowed him to make me feel 2" tall, but thankfully I remember that I am worth far more than rubies and am able to go on. Then I have Fish.  That's the nickname given to my boyfriend.  He is great!  Smart, sensitive, funny, cute and has a heart that is so kind.  I am so lucky to have him.  Sadly, he has the gene, too.  It's not near as prominent as it is in other men.  Thank God for that.  But it still lurks around.  This is my example.  I love kissing this man.  I could make out with him all day long.  We have made out like two high school students on many occasions.  One of my favorite things is when he doesn't shave and his whiskers rub on me when we are making out.  It turns me on and I am even getting a little hot thinking about it right now.  He and I have already been sexually active, which has been great.  I have enjoyed every minute of our intimacy.  Here is where the gene kicks in though.  He is getting comfortable in only making out when it may lead to sex.  We haven't had a hard core, make out, tongue twisting kiss since we got it on this last weekend.  Yesterday I was thinking about how badly I wanted a kiss so I went in for it (and listen, I am very modest and insecure so that's a big deal for me to do) and when I do he says "oh, I should kiss you b/c I haven't brushed my teeth today or taken a shower."  That would be ok if it was 9a.m. or something and he just hadn't gotten going for the day, but it was 4:45 in the afternoon.  Then he says, "I haven't been able to drink as much and that's really messing with me and I find myself being really lazy."  WTF does that mean?  So if  I would have come with a 6 pack would he have run upstairs and showered and brushed his teeth?  He gets more exciting about making out with a Bud Light can than me?  Honestly it hurt my feelings b/c why wouldn't he want to at least brush his teeth if he knows I am coming around?  It makes me feel like he has no desire to kiss me unless he knows it will get him somewhere.  And the fact that he gets so excited about the thought of drinking worries me, too.  I just don't understand the thought process.  Why is this so important to him?  It obviously is more important than me if he would wash up and get ready to reunite with his alcohol but not do the same for me.  My mom has always said not to make yourself too available to a man.  Maybe that's what I am doing is making myself too available to him and this is where it's leading.  So maybe my plan should be is to put in a leave of absence with him until he decides I am important.  I don't know.  All I know is that I have got to find a way to ZAP this gene's existence from all men. I will start test trials to see how a stapler, kleenex and tape works first since that is what is nearest to me at this point as it is sitting on my desk.  Who is with me?

Anxiety

All day long I have been having anxiety and panic attacks.  They are short lived but enough to stop me dead in my tracks for a short period of time.  I know it's b/c of drama. Most of it is out of my hands but is killing me.  Most of it is revolving around the man that I allowed to father my children.  I won't call him a sperm donor b/c he does try a bit harder to be a part of their lives than a sperm donor, but he really only tries in the life of my youngest son who has been able to let go of his anger at his dad. My oldest son is who still very angry and hurt won't have much to do with his dad and instead of his dad trying harder, he is letting pride get in the way and won't have much to do with him.  Take this weekend for instance.  It was his weekend with the boys. He didn't pick them up Friday b/c the boys wanted to go to the football game so he said he would pick them up Saturday morning.  He came to pick them up and my oldest wasn't ready.  They had an argument and my son said "I don't even want to go!"  So, instead of my ex digging deep to find his balls, he sat there and neither of them would speak.  After a few minutes I went to the vehicle and asked what was going on.  Father of the year wouldn't even make eye contact with me and my oldest kept looking down.  Finally, my baby said, "he isn't ready," and then pointed at his brother.  I told him to go get ready and he repeated that he didn't want to go.  I told him that he needed to spend time with his dad and he got mad at me and said "FINE!  I will go take a shower!"  He headed inside and his father looks at me with hateful eyes and said, "I am not waiting for him.  You can just bring him when he is ready, not back away from my truck!" and then he drove off with me still hanging in the window talking to my youngest child. What a freaking great guy and role model for my kids!  My oldest son saw him leave and said "Is he really not going to wait for me?"  I just told him to go into the house and get ready and I would take him once he was finished.  He had already made plans to go to the movies that night with some friends and was worried that he wouldn't be allowed to go.  His dad did allow him to go but he had already decided that when he got back he would not be staying at his dads apartment.  He came home that night and he and I spent the entire day together.  We went to evening worship services at our church and got out around 6:45 p.m.  When we got out I noticed a text from my younger son that said he and his dad were going to a nearby town to go to a amusement park.  I asked my older son if he had received any texts from him dad or brother and he said no.  So that meant his dad hadn't even bothered to ask him if he wanted to go with them.  I could see the hurt in his eyes when he realized that this was going on. My boyfriend made a great point when he said that between my son and my ex, only one of these has the right to act like a 14 year old child.  I just hate seeing either of my children hurt and I can't help but ask myself what the fuck my ex is thinking.  Is he thinking?  I love my kids and am so thankful to have them, but I hate that I picked him to be their father.  I guess I wasn't thinking either.
Moving on to my boyfriend, who is the sweetest guy in the world, I find myself panicking over our relationship as well.  We had an incident this weekend that I totally freaked out on and I am so worried that I am going to chase him away with my craziness.  We get a long so good and have so much chemistry but we keep having small issues in one area of our relationship.  I think things will eventually be fine regarding all of this, but after spending 15 years with a man that loved to make me wonder and guess how he felt about me and make me feel small, I can't help but have moments where I feel that way, even though this wonderful man has NEVER done that to me.  I know it's me doing it to myself.  I feel like my heart is filled with love for this guy (which scares me) and I am scared that he could never feel that way about me.  I am scared that I am going to get too clingy, so then I think I should break things off to avoid being that person and then I am like WTF is wrong with me?!  I need to just tell him how I feel but I am scared of that too.  This is why I am 35 going on crazy.  I am nucking futs.

My Life in a Nutshell!

I am 35 going on crazy, just like probably all other 35 year old women feel.  First of all, just the fact that I typed out that I am 35 is freaking crazy in itself.  I don't feel 35 (although I am not sure what someone that is 35 is supposed to feel like, so maybe I do). My life sounds like that of a 35 year old though.  I have a 14 year old son who will be a freshman who is a walking hard on with raging hormones and a temper.  He got pissed off earlier b/c his straw had a hole in it.  He literally said "GRRRR."  My "baby" is 12 and is going to be a 7th grader.  He is still sweet.  He has no arm pit hair or pimples, therefore his hormones aren't through the roof quite yet.  I am hoping he is learning by watching his older brother.  We are all going through a HUGE life altering experience since my ex husband (their dad) just had an affair with my 14 year old sons best friends mom.  Sadly, for me, I knew it was coming because this was a part of his pattern, his modus operandi.  He would cheat, I would find out, and for the sake of the boys, try and forgive and make things work.  I just hated the thought of them being brought up in a broken home.  After this last time though, it dawned on me that it already was a broken home and I had to let it go.  It really wasn't difficult.  He has been such an ass for such a long time, I really hadn't had feelings of love  or affection for him in a very long time.  He was very jealous and controlling and loved playing mind games with me so letting him go felt like getting out of prison. For the boys, not so much.  Now, on top of dealing with that 14 year old boy that acts like a normal 14 year old boy, we are dealing with a 14 year old boy that had his heart broken and learned that the people you should be able to put all of your faith and trust into can be the same people that will hurt you the most.  I am a very "class 1/2 full" type of girl, and I am trying to be as positive about this as I possibly can with both boys, but damn, it has been so hard and what I would like is to have a moment with my ex to take his testicles and stretch them all the way up to his mouth so that he can choke on his own balls.  Is that such an unreasonable request?  I guess I will refrain from doing so.  But a girl can dream, can't she?  My younger child hasn't dealt with it quite the same way.  He doesn't have outbursts like his brother.  Since this happened he has slept with me and eats constantly.  I think he was still hoping his daddy and I would work things out.  We separated briefly in 2007 and decided to work things out and I seriously think that the little guy thought the same thing would happen.  I should have let this man go in 2007, but at that time I had very little self respect and it hadn't hit me that I deserved better.  Thank God I am stronger now.  I don't ever want to let anyone make me feel as low as he, the father of my children, did.  I promise I won't ever place MY self worth in the opinion of someone else.  I know that we have a great God and I have to believe that something good will come of this.  My oldest son will learn to forgive and use this experience as a tool to respect others, especially his future wife and children.  My baby will learn the same but will also learn that at some point, when people treat you wrong, you can only give them so many chances before you have to let them go. The Bible says "And if anyone will not receive you or listen to your words, shake off the dust from your feet when you leave that house or town."  Matthew 10:14.  You have to learn to shake their dust from your feet.  To me, the dust includes all of the baggage and trash that they left at your feet to deal with.  Just let it go so you can move on with life.  I am also thankful for the road God set me on almost immediately after everything went down.  A man, that I had already known for a few years and to be honest, I had always thought was sweet and attractive, became a big part of my life at this point.  It was apparent very quickly that this person and I had an insane amount of chemistry but wanted to pursue a relationship the correct way.  So, instead of dating right away, we took our time and got to know each other through emails and texts.  It was kind of funny.  The first time we saw each other, I just about had a panic attack. I was so stinking nervous to be around him that I thought my heart would leap out of my chest.  That feeling last forever.   Now, we find excuses to try and see each other on days when both of our lives are insane, him with his business and me with my nutty life.  Just yesterday we drove around for 30 min. together just b/c we wanted to see each other.  It was all we got to see of each other yesterday, but it was probably the best part of my day.  I hope he feels like it was a good part of his day, too.  He makes me happy and I want nothing more than to see him happy.  I had gotten to where I didn't really care about what made my ex happy.  He was very self sufficient in that area.  But I find myself wanting to lift this man up and do what I know will make him happy.  Making him happy makes me happy.  I have no clue where life is taking he and I .  I have definitely developed extremely strong feelings for him.  I am not sure what that means.  At times, it scares me, b/c he has been honest enough to let me know that he scares easily about  this stuff.  I don't want to chase him off, but, he and  I also know that if he runs off just because he has met someone that truly cares about him, then if and when he were to return, I won't be there anymore.  I do care deeply for him, but I don't want someone to be scared of loving and caring for me.  I want it to feel like trying to live without water or air.  You just have to have it and don't want to be without it.  If he can't feel that way about me at some point due  fear, then I will love myself enough to shake that dust off of my feet as well.....