My Life in a Nutshell!

I am 35 going on crazy, just like probably all other 35 year old women feel.  First of all, just the fact that I typed out that I am 35 is freaking crazy in itself.  I don't feel 35 (although I am not sure what someone that is 35 is supposed to feel like, so maybe I do). My life sounds like that of a 35 year old though.  I have a 14 year old son who will be a freshman who is a walking hard on with raging hormones and a temper.  He got pissed off earlier b/c his straw had a hole in it.  He literally said "GRRRR."  My "baby" is 12 and is going to be a 7th grader.  He is still sweet.  He has no arm pit hair or pimples, therefore his hormones aren't through the roof quite yet.  I am hoping he is learning by watching his older brother.  We are all going through a HUGE life altering experience since my ex husband (their dad) just had an affair with my 14 year old sons best friends mom.  Sadly, for me, I knew it was coming because this was a part of his pattern, his modus operandi.  He would cheat, I would find out, and for the sake of the boys, try and forgive and make things work.  I just hated the thought of them being brought up in a broken home.  After this last time though, it dawned on me that it already was a broken home and I had to let it go.  It really wasn't difficult.  He has been such an ass for such a long time, I really hadn't had feelings of love  or affection for him in a very long time.  He was very jealous and controlling and loved playing mind games with me so letting him go felt like getting out of prison. For the boys, not so much.  Now, on top of dealing with that 14 year old boy that acts like a normal 14 year old boy, we are dealing with a 14 year old boy that had his heart broken and learned that the people you should be able to put all of your faith and trust into can be the same people that will hurt you the most.  I am a very "class 1/2 full" type of girl, and I am trying to be as positive about this as I possibly can with both boys, but damn, it has been so hard and what I would like is to have a moment with my ex to take his testicles and stretch them all the way up to his mouth so that he can choke on his own balls.  Is that such an unreasonable request?  I guess I will refrain from doing so.  But a girl can dream, can't she?  My younger child hasn't dealt with it quite the same way.  He doesn't have outbursts like his brother.  Since this happened he has slept with me and eats constantly.  I think he was still hoping his daddy and I would work things out.  We separated briefly in 2007 and decided to work things out and I seriously think that the little guy thought the same thing would happen.  I should have let this man go in 2007, but at that time I had very little self respect and it hadn't hit me that I deserved better.  Thank God I am stronger now.  I don't ever want to let anyone make me feel as low as he, the father of my children, did.  I promise I won't ever place MY self worth in the opinion of someone else.  I know that we have a great God and I have to believe that something good will come of this.  My oldest son will learn to forgive and use this experience as a tool to respect others, especially his future wife and children.  My baby will learn the same but will also learn that at some point, when people treat you wrong, you can only give them so many chances before you have to let them go. The Bible says "And if anyone will not receive you or listen to your words, shake off the dust from your feet when you leave that house or town."  Matthew 10:14.  You have to learn to shake their dust from your feet.  To me, the dust includes all of the baggage and trash that they left at your feet to deal with.  Just let it go so you can move on with life.  I am also thankful for the road God set me on almost immediately after everything went down.  A man, that I had already known for a few years and to be honest, I had always thought was sweet and attractive, became a big part of my life at this point.  It was apparent very quickly that this person and I had an insane amount of chemistry but wanted to pursue a relationship the correct way.  So, instead of dating right away, we took our time and got to know each other through emails and texts.  It was kind of funny.  The first time we saw each other, I just about had a panic attack. I was so stinking nervous to be around him that I thought my heart would leap out of my chest.  That feeling last forever.   Now, we find excuses to try and see each other on days when both of our lives are insane, him with his business and me with my nutty life.  Just yesterday we drove around for 30 min. together just b/c we wanted to see each other.  It was all we got to see of each other yesterday, but it was probably the best part of my day.  I hope he feels like it was a good part of his day, too.  He makes me happy and I want nothing more than to see him happy.  I had gotten to where I didn't really care about what made my ex happy.  He was very self sufficient in that area.  But I find myself wanting to lift this man up and do what I know will make him happy.  Making him happy makes me happy.  I have no clue where life is taking he and I .  I have definitely developed extremely strong feelings for him.  I am not sure what that means.  At times, it scares me, b/c he has been honest enough to let me know that he scares easily about  this stuff.  I don't want to chase him off, but, he and  I also know that if he runs off just because he has met someone that truly cares about him, then if and when he were to return, I won't be there anymore.  I do care deeply for him, but I don't want someone to be scared of loving and caring for me.  I want it to feel like trying to live without water or air.  You just have to have it and don't want to be without it.  If he can't feel that way about me at some point due  fear, then I will love myself enough to shake that dust off of my feet as well.....