Anxiety

All day long I have been having anxiety and panic attacks.  They are short lived but enough to stop me dead in my tracks for a short period of time.  I know it's b/c of drama. Most of it is out of my hands but is killing me.  Most of it is revolving around the man that I allowed to father my children.  I won't call him a sperm donor b/c he does try a bit harder to be a part of their lives than a sperm donor, but he really only tries in the life of my youngest son who has been able to let go of his anger at his dad. My oldest son is who still very angry and hurt won't have much to do with his dad and instead of his dad trying harder, he is letting pride get in the way and won't have much to do with him.  Take this weekend for instance.  It was his weekend with the boys. He didn't pick them up Friday b/c the boys wanted to go to the football game so he said he would pick them up Saturday morning.  He came to pick them up and my oldest wasn't ready.  They had an argument and my son said "I don't even want to go!"  So, instead of my ex digging deep to find his balls, he sat there and neither of them would speak.  After a few minutes I went to the vehicle and asked what was going on.  Father of the year wouldn't even make eye contact with me and my oldest kept looking down.  Finally, my baby said, "he isn't ready," and then pointed at his brother.  I told him to go get ready and he repeated that he didn't want to go.  I told him that he needed to spend time with his dad and he got mad at me and said "FINE!  I will go take a shower!"  He headed inside and his father looks at me with hateful eyes and said, "I am not waiting for him.  You can just bring him when he is ready, not back away from my truck!" and then he drove off with me still hanging in the window talking to my youngest child. What a freaking great guy and role model for my kids!  My oldest son saw him leave and said "Is he really not going to wait for me?"  I just told him to go into the house and get ready and I would take him once he was finished.  He had already made plans to go to the movies that night with some friends and was worried that he wouldn't be allowed to go.  His dad did allow him to go but he had already decided that when he got back he would not be staying at his dads apartment.  He came home that night and he and I spent the entire day together.  We went to evening worship services at our church and got out around 6:45 p.m.  When we got out I noticed a text from my younger son that said he and his dad were going to a nearby town to go to a amusement park.  I asked my older son if he had received any texts from him dad or brother and he said no.  So that meant his dad hadn't even bothered to ask him if he wanted to go with them.  I could see the hurt in his eyes when he realized that this was going on. My boyfriend made a great point when he said that between my son and my ex, only one of these has the right to act like a 14 year old child.  I just hate seeing either of my children hurt and I can't help but ask myself what the fuck my ex is thinking.  Is he thinking?  I love my kids and am so thankful to have them, but I hate that I picked him to be their father.  I guess I wasn't thinking either.
Moving on to my boyfriend, who is the sweetest guy in the world, I find myself panicking over our relationship as well.  We had an incident this weekend that I totally freaked out on and I am so worried that I am going to chase him away with my craziness.  We get a long so good and have so much chemistry but we keep having small issues in one area of our relationship.  I think things will eventually be fine regarding all of this, but after spending 15 years with a man that loved to make me wonder and guess how he felt about me and make me feel small, I can't help but have moments where I feel that way, even though this wonderful man has NEVER done that to me.  I know it's me doing it to myself.  I feel like my heart is filled with love for this guy (which scares me) and I am scared that he could never feel that way about me.  I am scared that I am going to get too clingy, so then I think I should break things off to avoid being that person and then I am like WTF is wrong with me?!  I need to just tell him how I feel but I am scared of that too.  This is why I am 35 going on crazy.  I am nucking futs.