Following through

            My intention when I started this blog was to show other women what it was like to have to go through the process of divorce. It was a good intention. But, the road to hell is paved with good intentions, as the saying goes. Life just got so hectic for me that I totally forgot about this blog. This morning, I was thinking about a new blog for a life changing food plan (I refuse to call it a diet) and I came across this. I read all of my old entries from two years ago, some things I remember like they happen yesterday, other things, to be honest, I completely forgot about. It was refreshing to read because I see how far I have come. As much as I have moved on though, there are still things that have not changed. What are those things? My oldest son still tends to have anger issues. Although he has come a very long way, he still has outbursts from time to time. He is now 16 and has his drivers license. That was really fun to try and get him to obtain. We did online driver's ed and trying to get him to leave his social life long enough to get it all finished was really tough. I had to extend it several times which cost more money. He failed the written part two times and finally passed on the third and final try. All of the failure that occurred, in his eyes, was for some reason my fault. His sense of entitlement gets old. Unfortunately, this is his dad in him. He tends to be demanding, like his father. If he comes home and I am not home, he wants to know where I am and who I'm with. This angers me greatly!  I spent 15 years with a man who did this to me and I will be damned if I allow my son to do it to me as well. And he knows this. It causes a fight every time he does it because I will not be told what to do but my 16-year-old child. It's funny that his response to this is "well you tell me what to do!" Yes son, this is called parenting. My younger son is now 14 and is still so much easier to deal with. You know it's really funny but when they were small, it was my younger son who was always angry and so strong-willed and hard to deal with.  In fact, if he would've been my first, he probably would've been my last. Lol! I don't want to rob my oldest son of any glory. He does have wonderful and amazing qualities. Our financial state right now is not great. When you go from a two income households to one, it can be hard to pay the bills. Currently, and sadly as well, my house is under foreclosure. I'm fighting like hell to try and keep it, but I really don't know what will happen. My oldest son and I discussed this at length last night and he was very understanding. The thought of having to move into my parents house makes me shudder, but he pointed out the good that can come from it, and I appreciate it. Not to sound ungrateful to my parents, but when you have lived on your own for this long,  having to backtrack is not easy. As far as my relationship with my ex, it is pretty nonexistent. Due to his hateful outbursts, I had to block him from my cell phone. He has been blocked for a very long time and so we don't have much contact with each other. I don't really know if I'll ever unblock him. Probably not, since he will never change. We still have moments were things happen and I still want to take his testicles and stretch them to his mouth and tell him to choke  on him. LOL! For instance, my oldest son had a huge outburst the other day and put a hole in the wall. When I contacted my ex via email to let him know.  Not once did I blame any of this on him. I could've very easily said if you wouldn't have done what you did in our son would not be so angry. I didn't do that. At this point, our 16-year-old son knows right from wrong. It's a choice to get that angry and it's a choice to let that anger get the best of you. What was my exes response though? It was all my fault. Our son was acting that way was due to me being a bad parent. Whatever! And for some reason he can't understand why I refuse to communicate with him. He is the definition of a sociopath. As for my boyfriend, he is still in the picture. He is still amazing and wonderful and treats me like gold and makes me feel good about myself. I still have some self-loathing that goes on and although he is probably tired of having to pick me up all the time, he hasn't quit yet. And I hope he never does! The self-loathing though, isn't as bad as it used to be. That has everything to do with not being around my ex and everything to do with having him make me feel great. Thank God for him. I truly love him with all my heart. I'm going to try and make an attempt to get back into this blog. I am disappointed that I neglected it for so long. But, life happens! Until next time!