Because I freaking said so, that's why!

I feel like I am just standing at the edge of a cliff.  Trying to decide my next move. The climb to get to the top is long, hard work and possibly never ending.  I look around me and I can stay where I am for awhile, but that life will grow stagnant.  Never moving, never changing. Then I look over the edge of the cliff I stand upon. It would all be over with just a quick jump.  I could leap off the edge and be done with it all.  It sounds so easy.  So tempting. I truly want to.  Just to jump, feel the air rush through my hair and then with a hard landing, be done with it all.  That last few seconds of life, feeling carefree. People talk about how they don't know how someone could commit suicide.  I do.  I get it. I look at my life, and although I know there are people around that value me , it's the ones that I should be valued by the most by that don't seem to care about me that stick out the most. The man that I stood by for all of those years.  The man that I cherished and supported and gave two children to. I gave my life to him and it didn't seem to matter one bit to him. He took what I gave him and tossed it over his shoulder numerous times. Killing my spirit.  My older son does the same.  In one way, he is a typical teenager, self absorbed, but on the other hand he is his father's child.  He saw me get devalued by his father and in that moment, lost his respect for me, too.  He has no desire to be around me. I am a piggy bank for him and nothing else. If I don't do what he wants or I don't let him do what he wants, all hell breaks loose. Part of me refuses to be treated this way; and I start to climb the cliff, trying to get past all of this to get to the top. But knowing that it may never change, makes me want to take the leap. I don't think he will care. He won't have to deal with me anymore. I won't be around to tell him what to do anymore. He will miss his piggy bank, but he is getting old enough now that he will be making his own money before too long. I am thankful for my younger son. He wants to spend time with me. He talks to me. He is what keeps me from jumping. I won't jump. As long as he needs me and wants me, I won't jump. I am not sure that I have the strength to climb, but I won't jump.